[Pratt, Parley P.] “Joe Smith and the Devil: A
Dialogue.” The New York Herald (New
York) 10, no. 236 (25 August 1844).
(For the New York Herald.)
JOE SMITH AND THE DEVIL.
a dialogue.
[Enter Devil with a bundle of handbills,
which he is in the act of posting]
wanted immediately,
All the liars, swindlers, thieves, robbers, incendiaries,
murderers, cheats, adulterers, harlots, blackguards, drunkards, gamblers, bogus
makers, idlers, busy bodies, pickpockets, vagabonds, filthy persons, hireling
clergy, and their followers, and all other infidels, and rebellious, disorderly
persons, for a crusade against Joe Smith and the Mormons Be quick, be quick, I
say, or our cause will be ruined, and our kingdom overthrown by that d—d fool
of an imposter and his associates, for even now all earth and hell is in a
stew.
[Joe Smith
happens to be passing, and hails his Majesty]
Good morning, Mr Devil. How
now, you seem to be much engaged; what news have you got there?
Devil (slipping
his bills into his pocket with a low bow)—O! good morning, Mr. Smith; hope you
are well, sir. Why—I—I was just out—out on a little business in my line; or,
finally, to be candid, sir, I was contriving a fair and honorable warfare
against you and your impositions, wherein piety is outraged, and religion
greatly hindered in its useful course. For, to be bold, sir (and I despise
anything underhanded), I must tell you to your face that you have made me more
trouble than all the ministers, or people of my whole dominion, have for ages
past.
Smith—Trouble!
what trouble have I caused your Majesty? I certainly have endeavored to treat
you, and all other persons, in a friendly manner, even my worst enemies; and I
always aim to fulfill the Mormon creed, and that is, to mind my own business
exclusively. Why should this trouble you, Mr. Devil?
Devil—Ah! your
own business, indeed. I know not what you may consider your business, it is so
very complicated; but I know what you have done, and what you are aiming to do.
You have disturbed the quiet of Christendom, overthrown churches and societies,
you have dared to call in question the truth and usefulness of old and
established creeds, which have stood the test of ages; and have even caused
tens of thousands to come out in open rebellion, not only against wholesome
creeds, established forms, and doctrines, well approved and orthodox, but
against some of the most pious, learned, exemplary, and honorable clergy, whom
both myself and all the world, love, honor and esteem, and this is not all. But
you are causing many persons to think who never thought before, and you would
fain put the whole world a thinking, and then where will true religion and
piety be? Alas! they will have no place among men, for if men keep such a
terrible thinking and reasoning as they begin to do, since you commenced your
business, as you call it, they never will continue to uphold the good old way
in which they have jogged along in peace for so many ages; and thus, Mr. Smith,
you will overthrow my kingdom, and leave me not a foot of ground on earth, and
this is the very thing you aim it. But I, sir, have the boldness to oppose you
by every lawful means in my power.
Smith—Really,
Mr. Devil, your Majesty has of late become very pious; I think some of your
Christian brethren have greatly misrepresented you. It is generally reported by
them that you are opposed to religion. But—
Devil—It is
false; there is not a more religious and pious being in the world than myself,
nor a being more liberal minded. I am decidedly in favor of all creeds,
systems, and forms of Christianity, of whatever name or nature; so long as they
leave out that abominable doctrine, which caused me so much trouble in former times,
and which, after slumbering for ages, you have again revived; I mean the
doctrine of direct communion with God, by new revelation. This is hateful, it
is impious, it is directly opposed to all the divisions and branches of the
Christian Church. I never could bear it. And for this very cause I helped to
bring to condign punishment all the prophets and apostles of old, for while
they were suffered to live with this gift of revelation, they were always
exposing and slandering me, and all other good pious men in exposing our deeds
and purposes, which they called wicked, but which we considered as the height
of zeal and piety; and when we killed them for these crimes of dreaming,
prophesying, and vision seeing, they raised the cry of persecution, and so it is
with you miserable, deluded Mormons.
Smith—Then your
most Christian Majesty is in favor of all other religions but this one, are
you?
Devil—Certainly.
I am fond of praying, singing, church building, bell ringing, going to meeting,
preaching, and withal I have quite a missionary zeal. I like also long faces,
long prayers, long robes, and learned sermons; nothing suits me better, than to
see people who have been for a whole week oppressing their neighbor, grinding
the face of the poor, walking in pride and folly, and serving me with all their
heart, I say nothing suits me better, Mr. Smith, than to see these people go to
meeting on Sundays with a long religious face on, and to see them pay a portion
of their ill-gotten gains for the support of a priest, while he and his hearers
pray with doleful groans and awful faces, saying, “Lord, we have left undone
the things we ought to have done, and done the things we ought not;” and then,
when service is ended, see them turn again to their wickedness and pursue it greedily
all the week, and the next Sabbath repeat the same things Now, be candid, Mr.
Smith; do you not see that these, and all others, who have a form and deny the
power, are my good christian children, and that their religion is a help to my
cause?
Smith—Certainly,
your reasoning is clear and obvious as to these hypocrites, but you would not
be pleased with people getting converted either at camp meeting, or some where
else, and then putting their trust in that conversion, and in free grace to
save them—would you not be opposed to this?
Devil—Why
should I have any objection to that kind of religion, Mr Smith? I care not how
much they get converted, nor how much they cry Lord, Lord, nor how much they
trust to free grace to save them, so long as they do not do the works that
their God has commanded them; I am sure of them at at last, for you know all
men are to be judged according to their deeds. What does their good old Bible
say? Does it not say, “not every one that saith Lord, Lord, shall enter into my
kingdom, but he that doeth the will of my father which is in heaven.” No, no,
Mr. Smith, I am not an enemy to religion, and especially to the modern forms of
christianity, so long as they deny the power, they are a help to my cause; see
how much discord, division, hatred, envy, strife, lying, contention, blindness,
and even error and bloodshed has been produced as the effect of these very
systems. By these means I gain millions to my dominion, while at the same time
we enjoy the credit of being pious christians; but you, Mr. Smith, you are my
enemy, my open and avowed enemy, you have even dared in a sacrilegious manner
to tear the veil from all these fine systems, and to commence an open attack
upon my kingdom, and this even when I had almost all christendom, together with
the clergy and gentlemen of the press, in my favor How dare you venture thus to
commence a revolution without reserve, and without aid or succor, and in the
midst of innumerable hosts of my subjects?
Smith—Why, sir,
in the first place, I knew that I had the truth on my side, and that your
systems and forms of christianity we so manifestly corrupt, that one had only
to lift the veil from your fooleries on one side, and to present plain and
reasonable truth on the other, and the eyes of the people could at once
distinguish the difference so clearly that, except they chose darkness rather
than light, they would leave your ranks and come over to truth. For instance,
what is easier than to show from the history of the past, that a religion of direct
revelation was the only system ever instituted by the Lord, and the only one
calculated to benefit mankind? What is easier than to show that this system
saved the church from flood, famine, flames, war, division, bondage, doubt, and
darkness, many times, and that it is the legitimate way and manner of God’s
government of his own peculiar people in all ages and dispensations.
Devil—To be
candid with you, Mr. Smith, I must own that what you have now said, neither
myself nor my most able ministers have been able to gainsay by any argument or
fact. But, then you must recollect that tradition and custom, together with
fashion and popular clamor, have in all ages had more effect than plain fact
and sound reason Hence, you see, we are yet safe so long as we continue the cry
from press and pulpit, and in Sunday schools, that all these things are done
away and no longer needed. In this way, though God may speak, they will not
hear; angels may minister, and they will not believe; visions may reveal, and
they will not be enlightened; prophets may lift their voice, and their warnings
pass unheeded; so you see we still have them as safe as we had the people in
olden time. God can communicate no message to them which will be examined or
heard with any degree of credence or candor. So for all the good they get from
God, all communication being cut off, they might as well be without a God. Thus
you see I have full influence and control of the multitude by a means far more
effectual than argument or reason, and even teach then that it is a sin to
reason, think, or investigate, as if it would disturb the even tenor of their
pious breathings and devout groans and responses. Smith, you must be extremely
ignorant of human nature, as well as of the history of the past, to presume
that reason and truth would have much effect with the multitude. Why, sir, look
how effectually we warded off the truth at Ephesus, when Paul attempted to
address them in the theatre. Strange that with all these examples before you,
you should venture to raise the hue and cry which has been so oft defeated, and
this with no better weapons on your side than reason and truth. Indeed, you may
thank my christian spirit of forbearance that you have escaped so far without a
grid-iron; but take care for the future, I may not always be so mild.
Smith—But why
is your majesty so highly excited against me and my plans of operation, seeing
that you consider that you have the multitude perfectly safe; and why so
enraged and so fearful of the consequences of my course, and the effect of my
weapons, while at the same time you profess to despise them as weak and
powerless. Alas, it is too true that you have the multitude safe to all
appearance at present, and that truth can seldom reach them; why not then be
content and leave me to pursue my calling in peace? I can hardly hope to win to
the cause of truth any but the few who think, and these have ever been
troublesome to your cause.
Devil—True, but
then you are, in spite of all my efforts, and that of my fellows, daily thinning
our ranks by adding to the number of those who think, and such a thinking is
kept up that we are often exposed in some of our most prominent plans, and are
placed in an awkward predicament, and who knows what defeat, disgrace, and
dishonor may befall the pious cause if you are suffered to continue your
rebellious course.
Smith—But, Mr.
Devil, why, with all these other advantages on your side, do you resort to such
mean, weak, and silly fabrications as the Spaulding Story. You profess to be a
gentleman, a christian, and a clergyman, and you ought for your own sake, and
for the sake of your cause, to keep up outward appearances of honor and
fairness And now, Mr. Devil, tell the truth for once; you know perfectly well
that your Spaulding Story, in which you represent me as an imposter, in
connection with Sidney Rigdon, and that we were engaged in palming Solomon
Spaulding’s romance upon the world as the Book of Mormon, is a lie; a base
fabrication, without a shadow of truth, and you know that I found the Original
Records of the Nephites, and translated and published the Book of Mormon from
them, without ever having heard of the existence of Spaulding, or his romance,
or of Sidney Rigdon either. Now, Mr. Devil, this was a mean, disgraceful, and
underhanded trick in you, and one of which even you have reason to be ashamed.
Devil—Well, Mr.
Smith, to be candid, I acknowledge that what you say is true, and that it was
not the most honorable course in the world. But it was you who commenced the
war, by publishing that terrible book which we readily recognized as a complete
expose of all our false and corrupt christianity, not even keeping back the
fact that we had continued during the dark ages, to rob the Scriptures of their
plainness, and we feel the utmost alarm and excitement, and without much
reflection, in the height of passion, we called a hasty council of Clergy and
Editors, and other rascals, in Painesville, Ohio, and, thinking that almost any
means was lawful in war, we invented the Spaulding Story, and fathered it upon
the poor printer, Howe, of Painesville, although Doctor Hulbert (thanks to my
aid) was its real author. But mark, Mr. Smith, mark one thing, we had not a
face so hard, nor a conscience so abandoned, as to publish this Spaulding Story
at the first as a positive fact; we only published it as a conjecture, a mere
probability, and this, you know, we had a right to do; without once thinking of
the amount of evil it would eventually accomplish. But, sir, it was some of my
unfortunate clergymen who, more reckless, hardened and unprincipled than
myself, have ventured to add to each edition of this story, till at last,
without my aid or consent, they have set it down for a positive fact, that
Solomon Spaulding, Sidney Rigdon, and yourself, have made up the Book of Mormon
out of a romance. Now, Mr. Smith, I am glad of this interview with you, as it
gives me the opportunity of clearing up my character. I acknowledge with shame
that I was guilty of a mean act in helping to hatch up and publish the Spaulding
story as a probability, and that I associated with rascals far beneath my
dignity, either as a sovereign prince, or religious minister, or even as an
old, honorable and experienced Devil, and for this, I beg your pardon. But,
really, I must deny the charge of having assisted in making the additions which
have appeared in the later editions of that story, in which my former
probabilities and mean conjectures are set down for positive facts. No, Mr.
Smith, I had no hand in a trick so low and mean; I despise it—as the work of
priests and editors alone, without my aid or suggestion, and I do not believe
that even the meanest young devils in our dominion would have stooped to such
an act.
Smith—Well, I
must give your majesty some credit for once at least, if what you say istrue,
but how can you justify your conduct in dishonoring yourself so far, as to
stoop to the level of the hireling clergy, and their followers, in still making
use of this humbug story (which you affect to despise), in order to still blind
the eyes of the people in regard to the origin of the Book of Mormon.
Devil—O! Mr.
Smith, it does take so readily among the pious of all sects, that it seems a
pity to spoil the fun, and I cannot resist the temptation of carrying out the
joke, now it is go well rooted in their minds. And you can’t think how we
devils shake our sides with laughter when we get up in the gallery in some fine
church, put on our long face, and assist in singing, and in the devout
responses; this done the Spaulding Story is gravely told from the pulpit, while
the pious old clergyman wears a face as long as that of Balaam’s beasts. All is
swallowed down for solid truth by the gaping multitude, while we hang our heads
behind the screen, and laugh and wink at each other in silence, as any thing
overheard would disturb their worship; and as bad as I am, I never wish to
disturb those popular modes of worship, which decency requires us to respect.
So you see, Mr. Smith, we have our fun to ourselves, at your expense; but,
after all, we do not mean any hurt by it, although I must acknowledge, upon the
whole, it serves our purpose.
Smith—Well, we
will drop this subject, as I want to inquire about some of your other stories
which have had an extensive circulation by means of your editors and priests.
For instance, there is the story of my attempting to walk on the water and
getting drowned; the numerous stories of my attempting to raise the dead as a
mere trick of imposition, and getting detected in it; and the stories of my
attempting to appear as an angel, and getting caught, and exposed in the same;
and besides this, you have me killed by some means, every little while. Now,
you old hypocrite, you know that none of these things ever happened, or any
circumstance out of which to make them; and that so far from this I deny the
principle of a man’s working miracles, either real or pretended, as a proof of
his mission, and contend that miracles, if wrought at all, were wrought for
benevolent purposes, and without being designed to convince the unbeliever Why,
then, do you resort to such silly stories in your opposition to me, seeing that
you have many other advantages? Not that I would complain of such weak
opposition, as if it were calculated to hinder my progress, bur rather to
mention it as something well calculated to injure your own cause, by betraying
your weakness, folly and meanness.
Devil (laughing)—Hah,
hah, hah, eh, e, O! Mr. Smith; I just put out these stories for a joke, in
order to have my own fun, and without the most distant idea, that any being on
earth would be so silly as to give any credence to them; but judge my surprise
and joy, when I found priests, editors, and people so depraved in their
judgment and tastes, so in love with lies, and so ready to catch at every thing
against their common enemy, as they call you, that these jocose stories of
ours, actually look in their credulous craniums for grave truths, and were
passed about by them, and sought after and swallowed by the multitude as
greedily as a young robin swallows a worm when it is dropped into its mouth,
which is stretched at full width, while its eyes are closed. So you see, Mr.
Smith, that without meaning any particular harm to you, I have my fun, and am
besides so unexpectedly fortunate as to reap great advantages from
circumstances where I had neither expected or calculated. So I hope you will at
least bear my folly, nor set down aught in malice, where no malice was
intended.—You know we devils are poor miserable creatures at best, and were it
not for our fun, and our gambling, and our religious exercises, we would have
nothing to kill time.
Smith—Well,
well. I see plainly you will have a creep out some how or other, rather than
bear the disgrace and stigma which your conduct would seem to deserve. But
forgetting the past, let me enquire what course you intend to pursue in future,
and whether this warfare between you and me, will still be prosecuted? And if
so, what course do you intend to pursue hereafter? You know my course. I have
long since taken the field at the head of a mere handful of brave patriots, who
are true as the pole star and firm as the rock of Gibraltar. They laugh at and
despise your silly stories, and with nothing but a few plain simple weapons of
truth and reason, aided by revelation, we boldly make war upon your whole
dominion, and will never quit the field, dead or alive, till we win the battle,
and deprive you of every foot of ground you possess. This is our purpose; and
although your enemy, I am bold and generous enough to declare it. So you see I
am not for taking any unwary advantage, notwithstanding all your pious tricks
upon me and the public.
Devil—Mr.
Smith, I am so much of the gentleman not to admire your generous frankness and
your boldness, and too much of a christian not to appreciate your honesty; but
as you commenced this war, and I only acted at first on the defensive, with the
pure motive of defending my kingdom, I think this ought in some degree at least
to excuse the means I have made use of. And that you may have no reason to
complain in future, I will now frankly open to you the plan of my future
campaign. Here (pulling out his bundle of hand bills) is what I was doing this
morning, when by chance we met; and by the reading of which, you will see my
course. Heretofore I have endeavored to throw contempt upon your course, in
hopes to smother it and to keep it under, as something beneath the notice of us
well-informed christians. For this cause I have generally caused it to be
represented, that you was a very ignorant, silly man, and that your followers
were made up of the unthinking and vulgar, and not worthy of notice. But the
fact is, you have made such rapid strides, and have poured forth such a torrent
of intelligence, and gathered such a host of talented and thinking men around
you, that I can no longer conceal these facts under a bushel of burning lies,
and therefore I now change my purpose and my manner of attack. I shall endeavor
to magnify you and your success from this time forward, and to make you appear
as much larger than the reality, as you have heretofore fallen short. If my
former course has excited contempt, and caused you to be despised, and thus
kept you out of notice, my future course will be to excite jealousy, fear and
alarm, till all the world is ready to arise and crush you, as if you were a
legion of Sampsons, commanded by Bonaparte. This, I think, will be more
successful in putting you down, than the ignoble course I have heretofore
taken—so prepare for the worst.
Smith—I care as
little for your magnifying powers, as I have heretofore done for your contempt;
in fact, I will endeavor to go ahead to that degree, that what you will say in
regard to my great influence and power, though intended by you for falsehood,
shall prove to be true, and by so doing I shall be prepared to receive those
whom you may excite against me, and to give them so warm a reception, that they
will never discover your intended falsehood, but will find all your
representations of my greatness to be a reality—so do your worst, I defy you!
Devil—Well,
time will determine whether the earth is to be governed by a profit, and under
the sway of truth, or whether myself, and my christian friends will still
prevail. But, remember Smith, remember, I beseech you for your own good, beware
what you are doing I have the Priests and Editors, with a few exceptions, under my control, together with wealth,
popularity and honor. Count well the cost before you plunge again into this
warfare. Good bye, Mr Smith, I must away to raise my recruits and prepare for a
campaign.
Smith—Good bye
to your majesty
(They both touch their hats and turn away.)
Devil—(Recollecting
himself and suddenly turning back) O! say, Mr. Smith, one word more, if you
please, (in a low and confidential tone, with his mouth close to his ear)—after
all, what is the use of parting as enemies; the fact is, you go in for the
wheat, and I for the tares. Both must be harvested; are not we fellow laborers?
I can make no use of the wheat, nor you of the tares, even if we had them; we
each claim our own, I for the burning, and you for the barn. Come, then, give
the poor old Devil his due, and let’s be friends.
Smith—Agreed; I
neither want yours, nor you mine—a man free from prejudice will give the Devil
his due. Come, here is the right hand of fellowship, you to the tares, and I to
the wheat—(they shake hands cordially)
Devil—Well, Mr
Smith, we have talked a long while, and are agreed at last—you are a noble and
generous fellow; and would not bring a
railing accusation against even a poor old Devil, nor cheat him of one cent.
Come, it’s a warm day, and I feel as though it is my treat. Let us go down to
mammy Brewer’s cellar and take something to drink.
Smith—Agreed,
Mr. Devil, you appear very generous now.
(They enter the cellar together.)
Devil—Good
morning, Mrs. Brewer; I make you acquainted with my good friend, Mr. Smith, the
prophet. (The landlady smiling, and looking a little surprised,) why, Mr.
Devil, is that you: sit down, you’re tired; but you don’t say this is Mr.
Smith, your greatest enemy?—I am quite surprised. What will you have,
gentlemen, for if you can drink together, I think all the world ought to be
friends.
Devil—As we are
both temperance men, and ministers, I think perhaps a glass of spruce beer a
piece will be all right—what say you, Mr. Smith.
Smith—As you
please, your majesty.
(They now take the beer.)
Devil—(Holding
up his glass)—Come, Mr. Smith, your good health, I propose we each offer a
toast.
Smith—Well,
proceed.
Devil—Here’s to
my good friend, Joe Smith; may all sorts of ill luck befall him, and may he
never be suffered to enter my kingdom, either in time or eternity, for he would
almost make me forget that I am a devil, and make a gentleman of me, while he
gently overthrows my government, at the same time that he wins my friendship.
Smith—Here’s to
his satanic majesty; may he be driven from the earth, and be forced to put to
sea in a stone canoe with an iron paddle, and may the canoe sink, and a shark
swallow the canoe and its Royal freight, and an alligator swallow the shark,
and may the alligator be bound in the northwest corner of hell, and the door be
locked, and the key lost, and a blind man hunting for it.
(Exit Devil, Prophet, and all)